[excerpts from chat with a good non-Muslim friend]
03/../2023 3:39 PM
i had a really upsetting dream very early this morning. very upsetting, but carrying this tiny vein of possibility of hope. then when I woke up to make my morning prayers, I felt more lucid than I often do. and a beautiful thought occurred to me while making them…
One thing about the obligated prayers in Islam (which of course don’t preclude freeform personal supplications or ‘dua’ at any other times), is that there is a structure to them, and there are things that are said (in Arabic) and movements done as part of them that are consistent for Muslims everywhere, uniform and intact over generations since the time of the Prophet pbuh. Maybe for some, this can seem at first impression prescriptive in a way that may appear less conducive to genuine personal connection with God. I know that before I embraced Islam, I had some such impressions, not about this specifically bc I didn’t know enough about the inner workings of the prayers, but about other things that are said and done by Muslims everywhere in response to various life events. Esp since we in this society are conditioned toward this idea of indvidualism and ‘uniqueness’ as being the measure of authenticity. When whatever shifted in me did shift and I came to Islam, I started seeing it in almost the exact opposite way. I saw the tremendous beauty, humility, and solidarity of it.
Within the structure of the prayer, there are opportunities for personal supplication which can be done in the worshipper’s own language. So this thought I had this morning, a visualization really, was of the structured parts of the prayer as being this beautiful woven basket of light that carries the personal supplication upstream along the unseen riverbridge to God
and I thought that the more care and mindfulness and devotion is put into perfecting those structured parts, the more protective and illuminated that sacred vessel holding those supplications becomes, the more integrity it has as a delivery mechanism
and I loved that thought
03/../2023 11:44 AM
i want to share something else..
since the latest Blowup some days back, to the extent I’ve been praying, it hasn’t been properly
it’s been like, not doing the appropriate forms and movements and things, out of hyper-constriction
but last night he went to go play cards, so i prayed my night prayer the proper way.
my whole physiology felt relief, first going into rukuh (bowing), and then when going into sujood (prostration)
it was amazing
there’s some meme* that floats around sortof illustrating this idea. i thought it was just metaphor or lightness, a motivational thing
but I really genuinely felt it
the Things don’t feel arbitrary to me. within me, i feel the wisdoms resonating. not just ‘abide these arbitrary instructions from this book’ (astagfirullah)
> *there’s some meme…
having trouble googling the right thing to find it, but basically it’s a person standing and the stages of salah (prayer), and in the standing position they have this huge heavy burden on their shoulders/back they’ve been carrying, then bowing into rukuh some of it rolls off, then going down into sujood, the rest of it rolls off. they complete in an unburdened state
Editor’s Note of Update: after that true experience of whole embodied relief, there was (& will be) no more giving up the Salah. Imperfect as it is, as far as I have to go & as much work yet as I owe, I will not let go of it insha Allah. A’oodhu billahi min a loss of this rope.
Ya Allah, Al Haqq, Al Wali, Al Rashid, please guide us and help us, protect us, forgive us, and have mercy upon us, upon all those who struggle and strive in Your cause in the hopes of returning Home to You with clean hearts and clear consciences. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah. There is no strength and no power except through You. No ease except what You make easy, and You make easy what You will. We beg for Your ease in our incredible weakness. Ameen